Skip to main content

Realize

It's been a while since I last blogged -- and I know it's been becoming a cliche. There has been a lot of things going on, lots of which are personal and concerns much of my day to day chores and tasks. Now I'm twittering more instead of actually writing long reflective posts. And then it hit me: I haven't been stepping back and looking at my life as much as I used to.

Part of this "not stepping back" has brought me much calm -- I don't get as depressed as I used to especially with what's been going on around me at different levels. I feel much more comfortable now of where I am currently in my life, and I feel much more at ease with who I am and who I have become. Keeping my head down and charging on has given me the chance to concentrate on the smaller things; enough to allow me to look at the bigger picture and assess really how far I've gone and how much farther I can go.

What this once in a while blogging has allowed me to do is to give myself a chance to not "get up for air" for a while. I contrast this as the breath I take in between strokes when swimming: in between breaths, I can concentrate on my form making sure I'm doing it right. When I do "come up for air" I then assess how far I've gone for that brief series of strokes. At the end of the lap (which is usually one quarter judging by my personal biological clock) I can count the strokes and see if I've been more efficient in getting to the end of the lap (less hassles, less stress, etc.) and get a chance to learn and adjust myself for the upcoming lap.

If you find the previous paragraph metaphorical, I can't blame you: I like writing metaphors. And this is what I learned about myself -- I can better absorb things going on around me and distill concepts if I can put it in a metaphor. I guess I've been doing it all my life, only now can I really take advantage of this.

So looking back now to the year that has passed, I set myself to learn a new programming language and I did: actually, am starting to learn a third new programming language this year alone. So I've gotten more proficient with Python programming thanks to the very nice Django web framework; I've dabbled a bit with Erlang; and I'm now trying to learn more Functional Programming Kung Fu with Haskell.

I look at the code I write and I see that I have changed in the way I think about solving problems. I've learned that I'm very much an A -> C coder (not claiming to be a genius, but I usually skip the "B" part between "A" and "C" in coming up with solutions). I'd like to be an A -> D coder and skip two intermediate layers of complexity/solutions to be able to deal with higher level requirements ("D") and deal with the lowest layer ("A") of the software development process. Although I have some experience coming up with scalable implementations, I have yet really to gain confidence (and proficiency) with designing/implementing scalable architectures. I know I'd like to move on to that level of proficiency someday, and may very well be a good goal to attain for next year.

I also realize that I had been blessed with a gift of teaching and that I shouldn't let this gift be wasted. So even though I was just toying around with the idea of actually teaching C++ programming, this time I think I'm in a better position to push through with this dream of mine. It is my passion for problem solving and teaching that I want to do good on my promise to help as much people learning C++ as much as I can -- it is from this passion that I have taken a more active role in writing informative articles in my C++ blog; and the same passion from which I'll help out with getting a C++ community started in the Philippines. This coming year should be a good time for me to start making good on that promise I made to myself.

Much of what's going on in my life has been personal -- I now realize that I do have a spending problem. And much like with any problem, actually accepting that it is a problem is the first step to really being able to try and solve it. I think I actually use spending as a coping mechanism for dealing with issues that come up in my life: may it be a new stage, a new challenge, or a just a change I wasn't entirely prepared for. Apparently this is the single thing that has caused me the most trouble as far as my net worth is concerned.

Another thing that's personal and getting serious is my wanting to take on the role of husband. Last year I was just playing with the idea, but as this year went on I found out that I am really wanting to add that role to the list of roles I already play (and move on from just being a "bachelor" to being a "husband"). Next year I want to focus on being more ready to fill that role by making sure I take full responsibility for my actions and decisions rather than just coasting by with a "come what may" attitude. I realize that I want to build my character and define more what kind of husband I want to be and what kind of partner in life I want to become.

And one last but very important thing I realize is that this whole year I have not been able to cultivate my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I feel like I've been completely neglecting this relationship as well as my relationship with my family. It's actually a little embarassing for me to admit this, but I should have been a better son/brother/cousin/nephew/grandson this year. Worse is that I have not been able to grow as a christian and at times I have not behaved the way a christian should. I realize I miss that daily conversation I used to have with the Lord and that I miss corporal worship. Most of all, I miss being part of a family -- be it my real family or a Christian Family.

So there are quite a number of realizations I've put here -- and other things I've left out. If you're reading this up to this point, I'd like to thank you for reading this far: if you know me, you'd understand that I really am like this even in real life. If you don't know me personally, I apologize because although much of what's written here seems rhetorical, I really want to engage in discussions and know what you think.

To the year that has passed and to the years that have yet to come, it's been good and I just wish it'll only get better.

CHill.

Comments

  1. You're very smart. At some point you will outgrow the need for a religion.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Writing Again

It's 2019 and I just realised that I've not written on this blog for a long while. I feel a little bad about this so I'm picking it back up again. More importantly, I've limited my social media to just Twitter (I've deleted all my Facebook-related accounts) and will be writing more on the blog instead of engaging in other social media sites. If you want to reach me directly, you can also reach me through my keybase.io account for encrypted communication. If you have my phone number, you can also contact me through Signal. Quite a number of things have happened in the past few years and here's a quick update on things that I can share:

I've been working on XRay, a function call tracing system now part of the LLVM project. This took a good two and some years of my time at Google.Most recently I've moved to the Chrome Operations Team still here in Google Sydney. I can't give specifics yet of what I'll be working on, so stay tuned.There've been c…

From FOMO to JOMO

Until very recently I believed that I needed to be on top of the latest news and happenings not only in my field (computer science and software engineering) but also in as many things as I can be on top of. This meant subscribing to all sorts of magazines, newsletters, YouTube channels, Twitch streamers, watching TV and live sport events, etc. — I was on top of a lot of the latest happenings, trends, news, interesting developments. I was having fun and I felt busy. What I did not feel was particularly effective nor productive. I felt like I was consuming so much information with the thought that it might be useful someday. When I was younger this wouldn’t have been an issue but I realised that ever since I’ve started taking stock of what I’ve been spending my time on, that a lot of it I’ve been spending just staying on top of things that I really didn’t need to be on top of. This article is about some of the realisations I’ve made in the course of exploring this issue of “FOMO” or th…

A Passion Project

I was so moved today by the prospect of a passion project that I took some time on a Friday night to get it done. Let me present the #RedJeans project over at redjeans.org. I've found myself wanting to work on a project that came purely from the heart and one that was very dear to me, something that is personal, and connects with a larger community of people in the world.
The idea for redjeans.org came to me as a hint when I was writing up my reflection for 2018. I realised that I didn't spend quite as much time identifying with and working with a community. I did a bit of soul-searching and found that one of the activities I really enjoyed and cherished in years past is donating blood -- and I keep wondering why not more people do it. It was an idle thought but then a conversation with someone where I described why I wrote down "donate blood more often" in 2019 became an idea where instead of just me doing it, how about if I get my friends to do it too?

I left it a…