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i just recieved email from one of my previous girlfriends. and i can't explain the feeling i got when i was reading it, and i had to reassess what's really happening in my life right now.

first of all, i am in love with someone, and i'm seeing another person. i am still open to dating and meeting other people, and i don't know what i rally want to do. i am busy with a lot of things right now, and i'll be busy at least in the immediate future. i know i want a life which i enjoy, and i do enjoy this life right now. however, i am not very good when it comes to situations where i have seemingly no control over. when it comes to love and relationships, i tend to take control and move things the way i like things to go. maybe that explains why i havent had any relationships that really lasted. until this particular girl got into my life.

this previous girlfriend (#4 to be more exact) of mine, is someone i've met and known even before my first girlfriend became my girlfriend. we have been good friends during the elementary (pre-school?) days. and with that, we have developed this certain bond of closeness and familiarity that rivals most of the relationships i've been in. however, this relationship is non-romantic. and so all through my first 2 girlfriends, we have stayed friends in a deep subconsious level. when we look into each others' eyes, we know what more or less the other has in mind, and that we could tell each other everything.

until we went our seperate ways, and kind of grew apart. when that happened, i felt that something inside of me was missing, and that i had to fill it with a lot of other things. i felt empty and alone, for quite a long time. and with that, i've built new bridges, and kept the old maps that i knew so well to traverse. and then the unthinkable happened.

we got in touch after four or five years of separation, and after one more girlfriend, i was convinced that she was a very welcome person in my life -- someone familiar, someone i knew, and someone i have deeply loved for so long. however, the circumstances were not as good as when we were separated. we were both in the middle of a love crisis, when the people we loved didn't love us (or at least we don't know whether or not they really had something for us). and so being in the same situation, we made do with what we had and we built a relationship with the past in mind.

it went fine for a few weeks, and a month maybe but then things started to change for the both of us. aside from having to get time off and going to the states, the relationship in the first place was a long distance relationship. and with distance, is the feeling of alienation and disconnection. then one day, we both realized that it was best that we forego the relationship part, and we keep it as the way it used to be -- friends deeply in love, in a more profound way.

she knows i love her as a friend deeply, and i know she knows that i know that she loves me too. although i couldn't say we're happily in love, we are in love nonetheless. this love is the strongest of the bonds that i have built in my life, one of the first and the longest lasting. however, i know that i am in love with someone else, and i am not yet ready to go back to where we used to be, and that i know that on my part, i am happy to love her so much as a friend.

if you read this sunshine, please note that i still love you as a friend.

elvine, i'll be here forever.

sacha, im not quite ready to get into anything right now, but i am not scared to tell you that i really like you. we have so much in common, and quite a few differences that will make things interesting and it's really just a matter of time before i become clear with what i really have for you. @};-

still chilllin'...


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