Skip to main content

i just recieved email from one of my previous girlfriends. and i can't explain the feeling i got when i was reading it, and i had to reassess what's really happening in my life right now.

first of all, i am in love with someone, and i'm seeing another person. i am still open to dating and meeting other people, and i don't know what i rally want to do. i am busy with a lot of things right now, and i'll be busy at least in the immediate future. i know i want a life which i enjoy, and i do enjoy this life right now. however, i am not very good when it comes to situations where i have seemingly no control over. when it comes to love and relationships, i tend to take control and move things the way i like things to go. maybe that explains why i havent had any relationships that really lasted. until this particular girl got into my life.

this previous girlfriend (#4 to be more exact) of mine, is someone i've met and known even before my first girlfriend became my girlfriend. we have been good friends during the elementary (pre-school?) days. and with that, we have developed this certain bond of closeness and familiarity that rivals most of the relationships i've been in. however, this relationship is non-romantic. and so all through my first 2 girlfriends, we have stayed friends in a deep subconsious level. when we look into each others' eyes, we know what more or less the other has in mind, and that we could tell each other everything.

until we went our seperate ways, and kind of grew apart. when that happened, i felt that something inside of me was missing, and that i had to fill it with a lot of other things. i felt empty and alone, for quite a long time. and with that, i've built new bridges, and kept the old maps that i knew so well to traverse. and then the unthinkable happened.

we got in touch after four or five years of separation, and after one more girlfriend, i was convinced that she was a very welcome person in my life -- someone familiar, someone i knew, and someone i have deeply loved for so long. however, the circumstances were not as good as when we were separated. we were both in the middle of a love crisis, when the people we loved didn't love us (or at least we don't know whether or not they really had something for us). and so being in the same situation, we made do with what we had and we built a relationship with the past in mind.

it went fine for a few weeks, and a month maybe but then things started to change for the both of us. aside from having to get time off and going to the states, the relationship in the first place was a long distance relationship. and with distance, is the feeling of alienation and disconnection. then one day, we both realized that it was best that we forego the relationship part, and we keep it as the way it used to be -- friends deeply in love, in a more profound way.

she knows i love her as a friend deeply, and i know she knows that i know that she loves me too. although i couldn't say we're happily in love, we are in love nonetheless. this love is the strongest of the bonds that i have built in my life, one of the first and the longest lasting. however, i know that i am in love with someone else, and i am not yet ready to go back to where we used to be, and that i know that on my part, i am happy to love her so much as a friend.

if you read this sunshine, please note that i still love you as a friend.

elvine, i'll be here forever.

sacha, im not quite ready to get into anything right now, but i am not scared to tell you that i really like you. we have so much in common, and quite a few differences that will make things interesting and it's really just a matter of time before i become clear with what i really have for you. @};-

still chilllin'...


Popular posts from this blog

Appreciating Rizal...

Nope, this is not an academic post. More of a reflective and wrote-because-i-was-enlightened type post. Anyway, I just passed a paper on Rizal's notion of a nation according to Quibuyen (a local writer who devoted a book -- A Nation Aborted -- on his treatise on Rizal). Chapter 6 was an interesting read, and a definite eye opener. Rizal all of a sudden became interesting, especially to someone like me who could care less. It seems that most of what Rizal aims for and wrote about is still evident in today's Philippines as I see it. I wonder why I didn't get to appreciate Rizal and his work when I was still in high school -- might be the fault of the high school and the curriculum, or might be because I was still considerably immature then. I wasn't able to understand most of Rizal's writings though even if I got to reading them basically because they translated from Spanish to Filipino/Tagalog. I don't have problems with Tagalog, until you put it in writing. I


Until very recently I believed that I needed to be on top of the latest news and happenings not only in my field (computer science and software engineering) but also in as many things as I can be on top of. This meant subscribing to all sorts of magazines, newsletters, YouTube channels, Twitch streamers, watching TV and live sport events, etc. — I was on top of a lot of the latest happenings, trends, news, interesting developments. I was having fun and I felt busy. What I did not feel was particularly effective nor productive. I felt like I was consuming so much information with the thought that it might be useful someday. When I was younger this wouldn’t have been an issue but I realised that ever since I’ve started taking stock of what I’ve been spending my time on, that a lot of it I’ve been spending just staying on top of things that I really didn’t need to be on top of. This article is about some of the realisations I’ve made in the course of exploring this issue of “FOMO” or

Keeping a work log

I have been keeping a journal for my personal life with some regularity for the good part of 4 years. The difference between my earlier attempts at journaling before four years ago is the regularity and the structure. I started with a very structured and regimented journal (doing it everyday with prompts and blanks to fill), to a ruled journal notebook, then a plain notebook (no rules nor grids in the pages), and then settling on a dot-grid notebook. This allows me to doodle and write free-form to help me commit thoughts and observations of my day but it was mostly for archival and looking back to "feel good" or reminisce (also to sum up a month, a year, etc.) The approach helps a lot with self-improvement in terms of my mental health and my reflection to see where I was a specific amount of time ago and whenever I was reading it again. In a previous post I wrote about keeping a work log, and I realised I only mentioned that in passing. In this post I detail the structure of