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so little time...

have you ever had to say the phrase: "so much to do, so little time"? i bet you have. but have you said it in a happy mood? one in which it seems like that you actually like what is happening?

so much has happened to my life these past weeks, that i litterally feel that i have so much to do in such little time...

first, i get to be another person when i go on air (yes, i have been broadcasting on lbfm 97.4 lately). and i dont just get to be another person, i get to be the other person i want others to hear. i get an outlet for my repressed and well kept feelings in the form of music, and talking - two things i really like.

another thing is that somehow, my peculiarities as a geek get to be appreciated. i am part of a pioneering group of programmers that aim to train ourselves and others as well for the improvement of our programming skills. it is also a small group in which we all share a common interest in programming and computer science in general.

and th…
spontaneous combustion

have you ever tried to be spontaneous, and at the same time calculatedly cunning, cool, and well planned to make your move? well believe me, i have and i really liked the feeling.

asking for a girl's number is something not easy to do for a guy like me who isn't really handsome by my standards - so this poses a big self esteem issue, but i dont lack confidence in myself (makes sense?). but asking for two girls' numbers, is a gargantuan gamble to take, especially on foreign and unfamiliar territory. but now i can really say that yes - really worth the gamble.

it's worth the gamble not because i got to gain new contacts (who are really good looking by the way) but mainly because it gives me a really big boost in not only self esteem and confidence, but also by the way i gauge my capabilities in socializing and conversation. i always knew that i could socialize, but never did i think that i could pull something like this off. and so much for trying, …
what?

so girl, what's it gonna be? this is the question i would most like to ask the only girl i ever truly loved in my whole life. my love for her is the only thing that's special to me now, and heck i need to know a fewthings that i think are long overdue.

yes, i would give her my whole life, and yes i would love for for the rest of it. but then i still would need to know what's gonna happen - what is she thinking about, will she ever decide to love me or just play me as a fool for the rest of my life, does she even care if i get hurt or if i succeed in some undertaking, would she even want to be with me today, tomorrow, or anytime for that matter, or would she rather be alone or with someone else?

although i can take a hint or two, i wouldnt want to assume anything. maybe she doesnt want to tell me in my face that 'hey, its not gonna happen' but then that is the only way i would know. she could always write me a note or a letter, but than i think she doesnt reall…
reality of study

i just registered for the next semester a few hours ago, and on my way home i was contemplating on a few things in my head. one of these things that interested me a lot was the thought that maybe going to school is much like the everything else that goes around in life.

first of all, it is a commitment you choose to make if you want to get something out of it. you practically invest your time and effort to gain a profit from that investment (knowledge and wisdom). but during your investment, there are a lot of side shows that are worth noting. such as the pursuit for knowledge, and the wisdom you garner while on your journey.

i realized that during registration (or enrollment) we renew our commitment to this search for knowledge, and thus our investment for more profit increases the capital, and such the collateral - which are your grades and future - increases with it. if we then graduate, and finish this chapter of our lives, then the profit must either amount to or …
two words...

i have two words that i would like one particular person to throw at me which are: i'm sorry.

why? im not asking for an apology, but giving her a subtle way of telling me that it cannot be. a subtle way of telling me that she doesn't love me, or even like me for that matter to be her boyfriend.

with those two words, she could save me the illusions i might be having of us one day being together and loving each other. she could also tell me a whole lot by those two words in that she wont be making promises she wont keep and expect me to see that its fine. these words would also let me know that she doesnt need my life which i am offering her.

with those two words, she could tell me the harsh reality that 'hey dean, face it: i dont love you, and you are not the one for me.' and let me know that i could just choose to be her friend, which i might be able to stomach.

or even with those words, she would be able to make me see that she is really sorry for not bein…
too long a break.

it has been so long since i last wrote to this blog, and sometimes im beggining to forget why i even have a blog.

basically, i want an outlet of thoughts and emotions, as well as an activity in which i can reflect upon what has been happening to my life lately. well now that im back on track, and am very much in the mood for reflection, im getting back on the horse which has taken me to a place i really like -- deep inside of me.

yes, there have been a lot of events in my life, as well long stretches of uneventful moments. nowadays, moments seem to come unnoticed and even come like the wind that passes me by. maybe its because im pretty much content and somewhat accomplished in my life, that things seem to just pass by unnoticed.

however, it may be because ive found peace in myself, and now that i am a godfather to three very young and very lovable kids -- diche's pong, ate lev's jose, and dianne's tsianina -- my life seems to be more than just my struggle…
spend some time.

have you ever felt so tired, you dont want to do anything anymore? or you want to do something but then you cant cause you're too tired to do so?

well i have, and the best thing ive done for myself is spend some time with me - the person that i am. just to see whether i still am the person i know, and whether or not i can change to the person i would want to be.

of course individuality is the in thing nowadays, and yes - we become what we want to become of ourselves. but have you ever tried to be the person you want to be, instead of the person that you are? sounds like something a shrink would tell you, but you should try it. it never hurts to know what you do and dont like about yourself. because if you try and do so, you would become conscious of the person that you are, and work on the person who you want to be.

i've always wanted to be there for ther people who are important to me, and consciously making a decision such as this helps me work towards this g…
understatement.

Busy, is an understatement. This is always true whenever someone is really busy. Talk about busy, and there is no word better to describe the feeling but busy.

my schedule has been to packed to give way to leisure and fun - because primarily of the urgency in the activities, and also because im having fun doing what i do in my time. so does this mean im really busy? oh yes it does.

doing stuff that you are having fun doing can eat so much of your time that wanting to do more is something that comes naturally. maybe i'm a workaholic, but then i really dont consider what i am doing as work, but stuff that i love doing.

travelling, engaging in spectator sports, spending time with friends and family, watching my 2 month old neice sleep, having laughs with friends, enjoying the company of my love, programming, chatting, blogging... and the list goes on and on...

so am i busy? yes. my life hasn't been so full like now even before my depression. i am so happy, that i c…
quit.

when you cant do something any more, you quit doing it. when you are too dragged by something you are currently doing, quit it. if you're not enjoying what you are doing now, then quit it. there is nothing wrong with stopping what you dont like doing, because basically you have a choice - and you always do no matter what anybody else tells you.

so say you want to do something, you do it right? but then after some time, and you realize that you're not really happy doing it, then it's just appropriate that you quit doing it. it's important that we learn how to say no every now and then to go on with life doing what you really want to do. life is really all about choices, whether we like it or not.

when you get too much of something, it's never good to get more of it. if you're stressed in a certain doing, then doing it more would only bring more stress - so do yourself a favor and quit it.

quitting is never cowardly - its actually more brave if you admit tha…
convincing...

people speak their minds - no matter when, and what about. whenever a person starts opening his/herm mouth to speak, he/she speaks her mind whether he/she likes it or not.

you can try role playing, but you can only do it to a certain extent. you could be this now, and be another later. you can even play a role which actually is similar to who you really are. but then you always speak your mind - even if your mindset is that of the role you're playing...

how hard is it to not speak your mind? ever got burnt/scalded? ever got your toe stopmed on? ever twisted your ankle? the initial reaction would then be immediate, and it would be hard to suppress. but even if you do suppress it for the moment, the next thing you say would reflect what you felt, and what you think.

so the next time a person you know opens his or her mouth to speak, try to keep in mind that whatever he or she is about to say is what he or she is thinking. no more, no less.

chill ya'll... =)
procastinating...

it has been such a dry and uneventful first half of the week, and im now beginning to feel so tired. now i know how it feels like to get tired of doing nothing.

but then i am thankful that i am getting enough time to do what i have to do. and these are, among other things, live and love. im not to free to just do the two, but not too busy to forget them either.

give me more time, and ill give you more time to give me more. =)

until next time... =)
the best two words in the world...

how great is it to be appreciated? the sweetest words you get when you do someone a favor, or something that they value, are 'thank you' and somehow, we sometimes overlook that word.

i take time to think about and reflect on the days' events, and it never fails to make me smile when i remember someone thanking me for something i did for them - or just for something i did. these little things tend to remind me of the value that people have - and the value thay give to other people.

have you ever stopped to think about that person in the jeepney who reached for, and passed on your fair? did you thank him or her? well, when i think about it, they valued me as a person, and thus i must be able to return the favor. i try my best to thank the person who has either consciously or unconsciously helped me on something. i'm also thankful to people who do the same. =)

its just a practice of mine to say thanks to people who have done something for…
im ok, really... =(

"are you ok?" we sometimes ask - but then what would you think if the answer was similar to the statement: "i'm ok, really... (with a frown)" ? we sometimes regret that we even asked.

and what would you feel when you greet or call a person you know, very happy with her companions and obviously having a great time, would suddenly turn sulky, unhappy, with a poker face and then greets you by your name - obviously not so happy to see you?

and then finally you pay your friend a visit, and even though she is obviously not in the mood for a conversation, would so politely wait for you to leave. how would you feel?

please try to be in my shoes. would you then understand why i still go through the same routine over and over again, not allowing these all too obvious things affect our friendship, or so what we call it? would you also understand why after all of these things i see and feel, i still love her?

i hate to think of it as a one sided relation…
goth, cup noodles, and a sucky day...

i got home early to research for this report i have about the gothic period (or people) and the music, architecture, paintings and sculptures associated to it.

after a while with search engines, and a few useful sites, i came over a link which pointed me to a community site for goths - or thats what they call themselves. it is a community site which shows the somewhat gloomy and dark insights and outlook of the members of the site.

nonetheless, it made me think - how would it be like to be a goth in the philippines? would other people think or look at me differently than if i wasn't? sure im a nerd, and people look at me differently, but then how would they look at me if i were a gothic nerd? hmmm...

-=+ !@#$ +=-

now i can officially say that i can live on cup noodles all day - but not everyday. especially the beef flavored, exact to the taste goodness of instant noodles - yummy.

-=+ !@#$ +=-

it isn't really a sucky day - actually it is a g…
free...

i cant remember the last time i have felt so free, and unattached. although i long for a partner to share me and my life with, there is nothing like the feeling of freedom.

ask any person who just got out of jail, the first thing they want to enjoy (besides either revenge, or sex...) is most probably their new found freedom. not that i would know because i havent been (and dont plan to ever be) in jail. but nonetheless, anybody should be able to enjoy their freedom - for we must all be free from any burden or confinement of unfair standards. i didnt think that made much sense, but it sounded good to me, so what the heck. ;-)

so why am i feeling this? i have no idea why. but then after celebrating my birthday, i suddenly felt that 'hey, im one year older, and free!' feeling upon hitting the sack, and it stuck until today.

i just hope this feeling is a nonsense induced by natural highs from playing neverwinter nights or warcraft III, and _natural_ highs from marlboro ligh…
happy!

i have been happy for the past few days - and it feels great!

i havent been naturally happy for a long time, and it feels great to be alive and happy again. i realized that whenever something you do doesnt make you feel happy, you should most probably stop doing it. this is so especially when you start to think that you're not only being unhappy, but you are also making other people around you unhappy.

distance separates people, and sometimes, distance can bring them together - ironic, but come to think of it, it can be true. i never thought that i could be happy by letting other people go and be themselves and not force myself onto anybody. and i am glad that i stopped doing it because it didnt make me happy, and because stopping made me so much happier.

i forgot how to be myself, and it took other people to make me realize who i am. and to those who read this, please take my advice - dont let yourself lose track of who you really are. it takes a lot more than realization a…
sometimes...

sometimes i feel that maybe what if feel is what i want to feel. or maybe its just that ive not beenm feeling the things i am supposed to be feeling.

it has been officially a whole day of not making contact with the one person i love, and for the first time, it felt right. not bothering the person you love, and spending time for yourself is something i havent done in a while - and is something im planning to do more often.

maybe its the new determination i found in her honesty, in her being straightforward, and the input from my friends that have made me more capable of at least doing some things for myself. the things i miss are slowly coming back and making their presence felt more than ever.

what are these things i do for myself then? basically, engage in social activities that required me to be both active and passive (sports, and spectator sports...) as well as the occasional dates. in fact, i have one sceduled on wednesday, and once again, im excited in meeting new p…
life...

thank God i'm alive.

i couldnt imagine life if i were to live it as an active observer. maybe being an angel and just looking, observing, dreaming, and wishing would be a sucky way of being...

i could only hope and pray that i would be an angel in my next life, if that were possible, so that i would be able to feel how much it was to be alive, and so that i could look after the loved ones i would be leaving behind. and so that i could continue to serve Him in the way i know best - be a servant, literally.

i know i havent been the best christian lately, although i try my best to be a good person to myself and others. that to me, is how i could best serve him within the bounds of my self imposed liberality and the services i know best to offer.

so how about you, have you thought of the possible ways of being a servant to him other than going to church every *day, or is that the best you can do?

chill... ;-)
love is like a river.

supposedly, love is never ending, infinite, and eternal. but how does it manifest itself? does it have to come in the form of gifts, words, actions?

how do i let the person i love know that i love her? do i tell her? and then what, do i give her my undivided affection, time and attention? then do i ask her if she feels the same?

and suppose she does feel the same, how do i know if she really loves me? or worse, if she says that the feeling is not mutual, then what am i to do? what am i to say?

does having you own time and being able to be yourself constitute a good enough reason not to love? does having a person you like by your side give you enough reason to be complacent and scared to not commit to a relationship which takes some of your time and affection?

does having too much to do other than love give you a suitable aliby to not even consider the fact that maybe, just maybe what you feel is already love? or is that feeling of suddenly increasing pace of heart…
lost...

i feel realy bad na i didnt get to go to my brod's wake. really so stupid of me - oversleeping... what a lame excuse. and what a silly thing to do.

anyway, my prayers include my brod - knowing that he's there and that he's in a place that he's happier. how dont we just wish that there were a place like that here on earth...
busy

i have been so *darn busy* since my last blog, that its almost impossible to put something of interest here...

maybe its because im quite happy right now, and that there arent a alot of things bugging me, or is it just the weather... anyways, you get the point. :-)

til next tym! hehehe! ;-)
love hurts.

hearing things without being prepared to hear them is a shocking and traumatic experience. not only does it leave you nerve wracked, teary eyed and hurting, but speechless and confused.

when you get hit physically, you feel where it hurts. but if you get hurt emotionally, you dont know what hit you, or how it hit you - all you know is that it hurts. big time.

i wouldnt want to elaborate my condition but you could relate by imagining what if your best friend suddenly tells you to not call her. and does on explaining that it is too expensive (the call). putting it this way doest feel so bad, but then if you and your friend only get to meet and talk for only maybe once a week lately, then that statement doesnt make much sense.

and sure, you can go ahead and ignore what she just said, but then she still said it, and a little later, you realize that she didnt realize (or she did, but didnt bother to tell you) that the reason for calling is because you want to talk to her.

maybe …
i should start studying...

like my new lease in life, i gotta live through it...

need to study and become a real student now. =)

i wont be able to post anything of importance as of late, but ill try my best though....

chill ya'll... =)
3.0 na yung 4.0 ko sa cmsc 123!

ang saya saya ng feeling ng nakakapagremove ng 4.0 at pumapasa! its like having a new lease on life... life as a college student.

english: i can get higher comsci subjects and its like having a new lease on life as a college student.

french: i will still need to learn french, so i beg your pardon... ;-)

chill... :-)
why the internet shouldnt be free

basically, the internet has been an infrastructure project of the united states government, which grew out because of commercial availability and provision, that's why it cant be free. :-)

but then, we cant be happy since it isnt free - but just like beer, we pay for it, because we like it... :-)

so my point is, because it aint free (yet) we still have to pay for the service. and thus it means another P500 for the coming semester, to activate my email... oh well, that's life. and that's the reason why i havent been able to blog for a few days.

and besides, i havent had anything good to say (not that i ever had anything good to say then...) so i might as well blog the next time im in. :-)

chill... :-)
to nikki and badsekt0r

i am now currently using the mozilla 1.0-rc3 and this is comparatively faster and better than the earlier versions that i've used. but i am having problems with my mailer though because of the change. hope to hear from you soon!
just finished reading a book...

i just finished Linus Torvalds' biography, and well now i find i am not alone - i am not the only geek who enjoys coding and hacking at my own projects even how little it may seem...

now i understand that it is possible for two people who have never met each other, who have had the different set of experiences all their lives, not even being born in the same generation, could be very nuch alike. i find a lot of linus' characteristics and views to be much the same as mine. i dont really think it is because i use his operating system, and not because we're both computer science students. why, its the first time i ever read his book, and right off the starting page, i found a lot of similarities between us two.

maybe this isn't much to most of you but to a geek like me, its fun to see someone else living a life like i do. but the difference is, i did enjoy having girlfrinds - unlike him. hehehe. =)

to those who know linus, who he is, and wh…
is it hard to be forgiving?

well sometimes, when people take advantage of your being forgiving, then it becomes quite hard. other people dont seem to mind being themslves and keep on being themselves - even if it becomes detrimental to you.

but yes - the golden rule: do unto others what you want done unto you. but when enough is enough, you just cant forgive everything wrong that everybody else does to you - you have to take a stand.

here we must strike a balance between forgiving, and being overly unaffected. maybe we can let some things pass, but when these things come back they shouldnt be let to go like it was the first time. unless you think that there's a chance that it really wont happen again, and then you start forgiving again. its a vicious cylce which can consume the most of the very forgiving.

but then if you can afford to be very forgiving, then i tip my hat to you. why, i should get lessons from you! =)

so now, i think i'll forgive those that have done wrong unto…
vacation...

everybody wants to have a vacation once in a while, but have you ever tried having vacations almost every week (a day off, or two) and all you do is relax, eat, enjoy the day... well i have, and believe me, im getting the hang of it. and believe me too, you'll want to have something a little more regular other than vacation.

sure it feels swell when you can take a break once in a while, but if you do it too often, you might just pass up on the next opportunity. breaks are meant to be thrilling, and not boring. i mean, you should be thrilled that you're gonna have a break, but then if you feel otherwise (like how i do) then there's something definitely not right.

when your work probably isnt that hard, and when maybe your work is something you enjoy doing, then you have the luxury of passing up on break times and doing what you like - work. but then consider working against your will, and having to do something you really dont want to do, then thats when you tak…
life and love come hand in hand...

or so at least i think it does. i think love is life - because without one, there is no other. without life, there will be or can be no love, and without love, there could not or would not be life.

its kind of like a mobious strip, in a sense that you start with one, and come to another end, but then you'll be returning to the starting point. although there are many explanations to what love is and what life is, basicallu we're better off not arguing any one of these explanations - because basically, who really knows? is there a course on the study og life and/or love, and there is, how many Ph.D.'s are there now?

unarguably, both these things are very important to both of them, and to all of us. people cannot survive without love (for the self, for others, or for something at least) and there wouldn;t be people without life...

but why am i getting worked up about it? because primarily of the way people have sometimes taken both or at le…
work has to be done...

a lot of work has to be done in the world today - the crime, the hunger, the chaos - but a lot (or most) of people today work too hard for themselves. where has the idea of service to the communty go? or better yet, what does the community get from my work?

i am part of a development team hired (or called, i should say) to design, implement, and (of course) sell the software we are to produce for the municipality of a town here in the Philippines. the work i do, basically is to coordinate with the officials and officers in the municiapl office, and as part of the software development team, i'm also involved in the actual development, implementation, and sale of the software. not that i am complaining, but a man can only do so much in such little time (and pay ;-)).

now im thinking - if and when we do (and we must) finish the project, what does the community get from it? well, i can think of a lot of really GOOD things that the community can get from it, but …
music is an essential part of my daily diet...

basically, i dont eat music, but i do take time to listen to my mp3 collection of old. the songs i have here are the 'classic' pop and rock songs that help me come by the work and play i do on the computer. these 'classics' consist of local OPM (Original Pinoy Music) songs that aren't as cheesy as the jukebox hits that are coming out in the current age - these songs have a somewhat foreign flavor to it. either they are sung in english, or the theme is inspired or influenced by a western sound - and a LOT of foreign cuts.

i dont feel complete when i dont have tunes exercising my left side of the brain (or right, i really dont remember the details). but i make it a point to not let it bother me. because when it does start bothering me, the whole point of me listening to music is then missed - i want to be entertained, and thus not bothered. but then this is another illustration of how the brain can do so much at once. =)…
this is my first blog. i have a lot of thoughts that are really itching to get out of this mind of mine, but i think the combination of little sleep and too much to do for the day really has a lot to do with the writer's block im having right now...

i have never really ran out of things to say about anything to anybody, and thanks to the people who conceptualized and helped introduce democracy to the world, anybody else has the right to say what he/she wants to say too (well, at least in a democratic country...) - and thanks to the web, almost everybody else has the capability to say what they think to the whole wide world (WWW?).

anyway, so much for being the person you are at a time when you need to be yourself -- but being speechless at that moment. why can the mind think so much, but only let the mouth (or should i say fingers) say only one thing at a time...

all i can really say is - i cant really say anything right now. but it took me three paragraphs to get here... hope thi…