It's been a wild an wacky ride. I've gone through a lot, but now I think I'm a bit wiser than I was a couple of years ago. I realize now that what brought be to where I am now is the same stuff that took me out from where I once was: Faith.
I have been very negligent lately, I haven't been able to fulfill a part of my life which was once so fruitful and so full. I have neglected a root which had started to grow in me and I fear that I have slid back to my old habits -- abandoning the path I once held so close to heart. I've pretty much forgot that if He willed it then it shall be -- and that I'm just a small part of the world he has made for everyone.
I know I will be playing a part in this grand scheme of things but at the same time I'm reminded how insignificant I am alone. Without acknowledging He who has created me -- and who conceived me before I even existed -- I am reminded that I alone cannot accomplish what I want to accomplish.
I'm going back to the pattern of command and control and trying to lead my life the way I want to: not the way He would want me to. I had once been very much devoted to my pursuit of a closer relationship with God, and I wonder why I've returned to the same person I was before I met Him. I wonder why even though I've seen the light, I go back to the darkness bearing not the light which has been shown me.
I know I'm weak, am incapable, and just insignificant alone but with God I know I can be the best person I can be: not for me, but for others around me. I know I would like the person I see in the mirror if I followed God and what He asks me to do. But somehow, I get distracted by my belief in myself and shift my focus back on me while forgetting that God has been there all along. Now, I'm being reminded how small I am and how alone I cannot accomplish what I want.
I need to listen to God again. I need to read His words again, and fill me up with the calm and strength that He has imbued me with. He has healed me before and he has picked me up before. I know He loves me and I surrender to Him once again that which I thought I had control of. I know I cannot make things happen on my own but that I have to listen to Him all the time. I have heard it before though I chose to ignore it. I had been blessed before now I feel dry yet again. I have been lost before and I believe -- no, I know -- I shall find Him again.
Luk 15:24 For my son was dead and has come back to life. He was lost and has been found.' And they began to celebrate.
The words just jumped out of my head: "He was lost and has been found". This is taken from the story of the prodigal son, and I can relate to this story very much. Let me quote the passages here:
(Luk 15:11-24) Then Jesus said, "A man had two sons. The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So the father divided his property between them. A few days later, the younger son gathered all he had and traveled to a distant country. There he wasted his possessions on wild living. After he had spent everything, a severe famine took place throughout that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. He would gladly have filled himself with the husks the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything. "Then he came to his senses and said, 'How many of my father's hired men have more food than they can eat, and here I am starving to death! I will get up, go to my father, and say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and you. I don't deserve to be called your son anymore. Treat me like one of your hired men."' "So he got up and went to his father. While he was still far away, his father saw him and was filled with compassion. He ran to his son, threw his arms around him, and kissed him affectionately. Then his son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and you. I don't deserve to be called your son anymore.' But the father said to his servants, 'Hurry! Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let's eat and celebrate! For my son was dead and has come back to life. He was lost and has been found.' And they began to celebrate.
This has been quoted from the International Stadard Version Bible. I want to get back into serving the Lord. I want to work on things that He wants me to work on. I have heard him speak before, and I've always felt more at home with teaching and evangelizing: not really about the Word, but more of the field in which I belong in.
I know there's a reason why He allowed me to learn programming at an early age, and I know there's a reason why I had gravitated towards the people I'm currently working with now. I have some skills for conveying my thoughts and convictions that not a lot of people have been blessed with. I know I can make a difference in the lives of the people around me. I feel a sense of passion towards letting others know what I think, what I feel, what I learn, and what I can share. I feel most alive when giving and although receiving has been a very fun vocation, I would like to be able to give more than I receive.
I miss my church. I miss the people in the church I belong to. I miss my spiritual family. I miss worship -- I miss being in the presence of the Lord. I miss weekends that seem so fulfilling, it makes me hunger for more. I used to look forward to weekends because I had a chance to serve the Lord through worship, through service, through fellowhip, and through discipleship.
I know the Lord had been trying to reach me through so many ways. He has given me everything I have, and I know he can take away everything he has given me. And I know the only way I can go on and enjoy the blessings eternally is to follow His Word.
I want to bask in His Glory and not mine. I want my success be defined by how I have followed His Word, and not what others think of me. I want my life to be led by His Word and not by the ways of the world. I want to be the best person I can be which only the Lord can allow me.
(Jam 4:10) Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.
Without Him, I am Nothing.