Skip to main content
let the whole net know that i'm a frikin' loser

why does it have to always be that way? why do i have to deal with things i have no control over? have i been a bad man? why the hell won't she love me?

no i don't care anymore. there's no more mister nice guy, and from now on i am officially a charitable narcissist (or did i spell that correctly?). charitable because i give love which is not being returned, and a narcissist because i love myself. from now on, i will concentrate on myself before i concentrate on others.

i've been lifting weights, with my friends paul and belvs. and what i found out about lifeting weights is that you are not challenging anybody -- nor is anybody challenging you. it's more of challenging yourself to get to the goals that you've set for yourself. and these goals don't depend on anybody else but you. am i sounding self-centered? well guess what, i am self-centered. anybody who doesn't center his life on himself is ultimately a disillusioned slave. if you don't center your life on yourself, then you are bound to lose yourself. one day, you'll wake up figuring out what the hell have you been doing in your life.

and i have come to that point: why the hell did i not love myself? only now that i've figured out why my life is a mess, is when i found out that it's because i'm too busy loving someone else other than myself. i've been doing things not for myself but for someone else. how could i be so stupid? i don't know -- you tell me.

as far as i'm concerned, i love myself. from now on, i will love myself -- i deserve to be loved by someone after a while.

how loserly could i get? i really don't know.

carina: i've decided that i'm done with her. i can't live my life waiting for someone to love me.

elvine: if by some chance you're reading this, please read my email. if you have read it already, then good for you. i don't expect you to respond, but you can live your life now. don't worry about me like how you haven't worried about me after all that i've been for you. again, have a nice life.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Futures and Options III: Economics, Journalism, or Computer Science

I realise it's been a year since my previous post on this blog, and I've found myself having very little time to do another "brain dump" on the subject of my early choices in life. With that in mind (and as I'll be traveling again soon) I get to think a little more and reflect on a few of the things that have happened.

Much like the previous post, this one's set in high school -- where I was part of the swimming team, in a band, had been programming with Turbo Pascal, Java, and then C++ later on, and was about to make a choice that would literally change the course of my life. This one is about the choices I made, and the ones that were made for me.

Note: This is part 3 of a series about my early choices in life which have gotten me to where I am today. I would greatly appreciate your feedback and thoughts, as well as for your reading through this series!


Rant: Despair and Hopelessness

This weekend I had the chance to do a Google+ hangout with my father in the Philippines. He and I don't talk often but we do have a very good relationship. My dad is cool like that. In this hangout we talked about a few things happening in the Philippines and I've gotten the feeling that my homeland is getting ever deeper into economic disrepair, and that the politics to which I've come to be hopeless on is beyond repair. I've wanted to get something off my chest that's been bothering me for a while now, so if you would indulge me please read on.

Background

I grew up in a part of the Philippines where the land is fertile, there are thriving industries, and there's a certain sense of abundance and stability. This part of the Philippines has good schools, good employment opportunities (mostly industrial and service industries), good investment opportunities (real-estate and agricultural), and good potential for growth. This was true when I was young and this is tr…

Writing Again

It's 2019 and I just realised that I've not written on this blog for a long while. I feel a little bad about this so I'm picking it back up again. More importantly, I've limited my social media to just Twitter (I've deleted all my Facebook-related accounts) and will be writing more on the blog instead of engaging in other social media sites. If you want to reach me directly, you can also reach me through my keybase.io account for encrypted communication. If you have my phone number, you can also contact me through Signal. Quite a number of things have happened in the past few years and here's a quick update on things that I can share:

I've been working on XRay, a function call tracing system now part of the LLVM project. This took a good two and some years of my time at Google.Most recently I've moved to the Chrome Operations Team still here in Google Sydney. I can't give specifics yet of what I'll be working on, so stay tuned.There've been c…