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im ok, really... =(

"are you ok?" we sometimes ask - but then what would you think if the answer was similar to the statement: "i'm ok, really... (with a frown)" ? we sometimes regret that we even asked.

and what would you feel when you greet or call a person you know, very happy with her companions and obviously having a great time, would suddenly turn sulky, unhappy, with a poker face and then greets you by your name - obviously not so happy to see you?

and then finally you pay your friend a visit, and even though she is obviously not in the mood for a conversation, would so politely wait for you to leave. how would you feel?

please try to be in my shoes. would you then understand why i still go through the same routine over and over again, not allowing these all too obvious things affect our friendship, or so what we call it? would you also understand why after all of these things i see and feel, i still love her?

i hate to think of it as a one sided relationship because basically, i also benefit from it. it gives me inspiration (and desperation), hope (and hopelessness), and positivity (and negativity). im also beginning to think that yes, we're not meant for each other. but then if we were, maybe i would rethink my position once more.

i cannot stop loving her - but i can choose to love her, and be with a person who can be there when i have been there for her. i can continue being a martyr, only until the time that i think that what im fighting for is worth it. i cannot be a giver and take not what is duly mine - which is a little time, concern, and affection. is that too much to ask from a friend? i dont think so.

like what my friends have told me, and what i tell my friends too: 'even if you cannot be a friend to me, trust me that i would be a friend to you.'

if you read this, maybe you know who you are, and maybe you'll find my whining unappropriate, because basically, i only do things because i love you. i whine, go to school, save my money, make time for coffee, go home, eat, sleep among many other things because i love you. if these are not enough reasons for you to at least talk to me, then i'd have to tell you that it is enough reason for me to live and love.

and when you see me around, please, dont bother even calling me - because even then that might be too much to ask. but then just go ahead and call me just when you need me - i might feel better then because i would know that i was wanted (or should i say needed).

now im beginning to wonder, why do i even miss you? do you ever miss me the way i miss you? maybe, but then i would never know because you never told me anything. and when was the last time i knew how you feel, have you ever told me how you felt?

dont get me wrong, i love you. but i cant keep these thoughts to myself anymore. its better that you read it, because i really dont know if you would ever want to listen to me say these things to you. frankly, i think you're tired of me, so i'll just assume that. but then even that wont stop me from loving you - cause that's the only thing i would like to do for the rest of my life. even if i need to go through the same routine over and over until the end of me.

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