Skip to main content
im ok, really... =(

"are you ok?" we sometimes ask - but then what would you think if the answer was similar to the statement: "i'm ok, really... (with a frown)" ? we sometimes regret that we even asked.

and what would you feel when you greet or call a person you know, very happy with her companions and obviously having a great time, would suddenly turn sulky, unhappy, with a poker face and then greets you by your name - obviously not so happy to see you?

and then finally you pay your friend a visit, and even though she is obviously not in the mood for a conversation, would so politely wait for you to leave. how would you feel?

please try to be in my shoes. would you then understand why i still go through the same routine over and over again, not allowing these all too obvious things affect our friendship, or so what we call it? would you also understand why after all of these things i see and feel, i still love her?

i hate to think of it as a one sided relationship because basically, i also benefit from it. it gives me inspiration (and desperation), hope (and hopelessness), and positivity (and negativity). im also beginning to think that yes, we're not meant for each other. but then if we were, maybe i would rethink my position once more.

i cannot stop loving her - but i can choose to love her, and be with a person who can be there when i have been there for her. i can continue being a martyr, only until the time that i think that what im fighting for is worth it. i cannot be a giver and take not what is duly mine - which is a little time, concern, and affection. is that too much to ask from a friend? i dont think so.

like what my friends have told me, and what i tell my friends too: 'even if you cannot be a friend to me, trust me that i would be a friend to you.'

if you read this, maybe you know who you are, and maybe you'll find my whining unappropriate, because basically, i only do things because i love you. i whine, go to school, save my money, make time for coffee, go home, eat, sleep among many other things because i love you. if these are not enough reasons for you to at least talk to me, then i'd have to tell you that it is enough reason for me to live and love.

and when you see me around, please, dont bother even calling me - because even then that might be too much to ask. but then just go ahead and call me just when you need me - i might feel better then because i would know that i was wanted (or should i say needed).

now im beginning to wonder, why do i even miss you? do you ever miss me the way i miss you? maybe, but then i would never know because you never told me anything. and when was the last time i knew how you feel, have you ever told me how you felt?

dont get me wrong, i love you. but i cant keep these thoughts to myself anymore. its better that you read it, because i really dont know if you would ever want to listen to me say these things to you. frankly, i think you're tired of me, so i'll just assume that. but then even that wont stop me from loving you - cause that's the only thing i would like to do for the rest of my life. even if i need to go through the same routine over and over until the end of me.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Writing Again

It's 2019 and I just realised that I've not written on this blog for a long while. I feel a little bad about this so I'm picking it back up again. More importantly, I've limited my social media to just Twitter (I've deleted all my Facebook-related accounts) and will be writing more on the blog instead of engaging in other social media sites. If you want to reach me directly, you can also reach me through my keybase.io account for encrypted communication. If you have my phone number, you can also contact me through Signal. Quite a number of things have happened in the past few years and here's a quick update on things that I can share:

I've been working on XRay, a function call tracing system now part of the LLVM project. This took a good two and some years of my time at Google.Most recently I've moved to the Chrome Operations Team still here in Google Sydney. I can't give specifics yet of what I'll be working on, so stay tuned.There've been c…

A Passion Project

I was so moved today by the prospect of a passion project that I took some time on a Friday night to get it done. Let me present the #RedJeans project over at redjeans.org. I've found myself wanting to work on a project that came purely from the heart and one that was very dear to me, something that is personal, and connects with a larger community of people in the world.
The idea for redjeans.org came to me as a hint when I was writing up my reflection for 2018. I realised that I didn't spend quite as much time identifying with and working with a community. I did a bit of soul-searching and found that one of the activities I really enjoyed and cherished in years past is donating blood -- and I keep wondering why not more people do it. It was an idle thought but then a conversation with someone where I described why I wrote down "donate blood more often" in 2019 became an idea where instead of just me doing it, how about if I get my friends to do it too?

I left it a…

From FOMO to JOMO

Until very recently I believed that I needed to be on top of the latest news and happenings not only in my field (computer science and software engineering) but also in as many things as I can be on top of. This meant subscribing to all sorts of magazines, newsletters, YouTube channels, Twitch streamers, watching TV and live sport events, etc. — I was on top of a lot of the latest happenings, trends, news, interesting developments. I was having fun and I felt busy. What I did not feel was particularly effective nor productive. I felt like I was consuming so much information with the thought that it might be useful someday. When I was younger this wouldn’t have been an issue but I realised that ever since I’ve started taking stock of what I’ve been spending my time on, that a lot of it I’ve been spending just staying on top of things that I really didn’t need to be on top of. This article is about some of the realisations I’ve made in the course of exploring this issue of “FOMO” or th…