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sincere

how do you sound sincere? i mean, when do you know a person is really sincere? and if you knew for sure that the person you're talking to is sincere, would it change anything? would it change the way you feel about that person?

i've said no to the person i though i wasn't going to be able to say no to. i'm moving on, form the person i thought i could never move on from. but now i'm finding that at times, she sounds sincere, and sincerely concerned. even if i counsciously think about it, yes she really did sound sincere a while ago. but should that change anything?

and so now i think i know that she does care sometimes. it isn't said out loud, but then the thought comes when she says things that sound truly authentic.

her: "umuulan na... ay, wala kang payong?"
me: "wala e, pero ok lang." (after pausing for a moment to consciously taking note of her tone).

i couldn't stomach the thought that things like that were thought of before hand or rehearsed (scripted, or in a respository in the back of her head). and besides, it really sounded sincere.

me: "cencya ka na, inde na ako nakapunta... kasi andami kong ginagawa na kailangan tapusin." (to politely indicate that i've just turned down one of your requests, and that i'm trying to make it sound kind)
her: "ay, hinde, ok lang talaga. mukhang busy ka naman kasi talaga e."

now that was a good punch line. but this is the clincher:

i was walking from the corner of the street, thinking of what to tell her when i hand the paper bag to her. then i arrive at the door, and finally ring her to indicate that i was there. and the first words i heard from her were...
her: "uy, kamusta ka na?"

i don't know what to think now. but then just like with every conversation we used to have, there used to be this favorite part of mine which i will always cherish -- the part when right after we say goodbye, and look away i tell her i love her.

but that didn't happen, for the second time -- by design.

i now know that she's sincere at times, and that i just get lost in the sarcasm of it all. but i still lost the girl i loved -- it isn't her anymore. if that girl comes back, who knows. but for now, i do not know.

chillin'...

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