Skip to main content
sincere

how do you sound sincere? i mean, when do you know a person is really sincere? and if you knew for sure that the person you're talking to is sincere, would it change anything? would it change the way you feel about that person?

i've said no to the person i though i wasn't going to be able to say no to. i'm moving on, form the person i thought i could never move on from. but now i'm finding that at times, she sounds sincere, and sincerely concerned. even if i counsciously think about it, yes she really did sound sincere a while ago. but should that change anything?

and so now i think i know that she does care sometimes. it isn't said out loud, but then the thought comes when she says things that sound truly authentic.

her: "umuulan na... ay, wala kang payong?"
me: "wala e, pero ok lang." (after pausing for a moment to consciously taking note of her tone).

i couldn't stomach the thought that things like that were thought of before hand or rehearsed (scripted, or in a respository in the back of her head). and besides, it really sounded sincere.

me: "cencya ka na, inde na ako nakapunta... kasi andami kong ginagawa na kailangan tapusin." (to politely indicate that i've just turned down one of your requests, and that i'm trying to make it sound kind)
her: "ay, hinde, ok lang talaga. mukhang busy ka naman kasi talaga e."

now that was a good punch line. but this is the clincher:

i was walking from the corner of the street, thinking of what to tell her when i hand the paper bag to her. then i arrive at the door, and finally ring her to indicate that i was there. and the first words i heard from her were...
her: "uy, kamusta ka na?"

i don't know what to think now. but then just like with every conversation we used to have, there used to be this favorite part of mine which i will always cherish -- the part when right after we say goodbye, and look away i tell her i love her.

but that didn't happen, for the second time -- by design.

i now know that she's sincere at times, and that i just get lost in the sarcasm of it all. but i still lost the girl i loved -- it isn't her anymore. if that girl comes back, who knows. but for now, i do not know.

chillin'...

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Writing Again

It's 2019 and I just realised that I've not written on this blog for a long while. I feel a little bad about this so I'm picking it back up again. More importantly, I've limited my social media to just Twitter (I've deleted all my Facebook-related accounts) and will be writing more on the blog instead of engaging in other social media sites. If you want to reach me directly, you can also reach me through my keybase.io account for encrypted communication. If you have my phone number, you can also contact me through Signal. Quite a number of things have happened in the past few years and here's a quick update on things that I can share:

I've been working on XRay, a function call tracing system now part of the LLVM project. This took a good two and some years of my time at Google.Most recently I've moved to the Chrome Operations Team still here in Google Sydney. I can't give specifics yet of what I'll be working on, so stay tuned.There've been c…

A Passion Project

I was so moved today by the prospect of a passion project that I took some time on a Friday night to get it done. Let me present the #RedJeans project over at redjeans.org. I've found myself wanting to work on a project that came purely from the heart and one that was very dear to me, something that is personal, and connects with a larger community of people in the world.
The idea for redjeans.org came to me as a hint when I was writing up my reflection for 2018. I realised that I didn't spend quite as much time identifying with and working with a community. I did a bit of soul-searching and found that one of the activities I really enjoyed and cherished in years past is donating blood -- and I keep wondering why not more people do it. It was an idle thought but then a conversation with someone where I described why I wrote down "donate blood more often" in 2019 became an idea where instead of just me doing it, how about if I get my friends to do it too?

I left it a…

From FOMO to JOMO

Until very recently I believed that I needed to be on top of the latest news and happenings not only in my field (computer science and software engineering) but also in as many things as I can be on top of. This meant subscribing to all sorts of magazines, newsletters, YouTube channels, Twitch streamers, watching TV and live sport events, etc. — I was on top of a lot of the latest happenings, trends, news, interesting developments. I was having fun and I felt busy. What I did not feel was particularly effective nor productive. I felt like I was consuming so much information with the thought that it might be useful someday. When I was younger this wouldn’t have been an issue but I realised that ever since I’ve started taking stock of what I’ve been spending my time on, that a lot of it I’ve been spending just staying on top of things that I really didn’t need to be on top of. This article is about some of the realisations I’ve made in the course of exploring this issue of “FOMO” or th…